The home where we were born and raised is called the family of origin, which includes our parents and siblings. The household newly formed through marriage or independence is called the nuclear family, which centers on spouses and children.
One of the problems many couples face after marriage is the distance between their family of origin and their newly formed family. When parents intervene frequently, the couple's decision-making can be shaken, and the home, which should be the most private sanctuary, loses its sense of comfort. When parents get involved in household chores or child-rearing, it can lead to a blurred sense of boundaries regarding who is the master of the house.
I have been feeling this discomfort quite often lately. I feel uneasy when my mother-in-law visits our home. So, I keep asking myself, "Am I the problem?" This is actually the reason why I am writing this post. I want to know if my discomfort is merely due to my own sensitivity or if it is a natural phenomenon.
Family therapist Murray Bowen (1978) emphasized the concept of "differentiation of self." He explained that when one cannot properly detach from the family of origin, the marital relationship becomes unstable and conflicts increase. A study in Korea (Choi Jung-yoon & Kim Eun-jung, 2011) also reported that excessive enmeshment with the family of origin increases marital conflict, while maintaining an appropriate distance improves marital satisfaction. If so, the discomfort I am feeling may not be a personal weakness, but a natural signal that I need to protect my new family.
This issue is particularly prominent in Korean society. Confucian culture emphasizes honoring parents and filial piety. Economic realities, such as housing prices and child-rearing costs, also narrow the distance from parents. There is still a strong sentiment that "families must do everything together," so establishing boundaries can sometimes be perceived as selfish. Studies by Song Jung-sook (2014), Kim Young-hee (2019), and others point out that conflict intensifies when the autonomy of a couple is threatened under such cultural pressure.
As I write this, I am trying to convince myself: feeling discomfort is not wrong; rather, it is a signal that healthy boundaries are necessary. Visits from parents should be scheduled in advance, and while help should be gratefully received, important decisions must be made by the couple. Parents can be advisors, but the final decision must rest with the couple.
International research (Young & Kleist, 2010) echoes the same sentiment. It suggests that the clearer a couple defines boundaries with their family of origin, the higher their intimacy and satisfaction become.
In the end, what I want to confirm through this piece is simple: it is not because there is something wrong with me that I feel uncomfortable, but rather that my desire to protect my family is naturally surfacing. Prioritizing my new family without excluding the family of origin is the balance I hope to achieve right now. A distance that is close but not intrusive, and far but not alienating. The process of finding that distance may be the very confusion I am experiencing, and at the same time, the learning I need.
Self-Checklist for Family of Origin–Nuclear Family Boundaries
Answer "Yes / No" to the following questions yourself.
1. Emotional Check
When my mother-in-law or parents-in-law visit, the feeling that "my space is being disturbed" is stronger than the feeling about the 'person' themselves. -> Yes
When I am uncomfortable, instead of disliking the other person, I think about how my space for rest is shrinking. -> Yes
2. Boundary Awareness
I believe that important life decisions (finances, household chores, child-rearing, etc.) should be centered on the couple. -> Yes
When parents' opinions are needed, I feel they should be heard only as advice, and the final decision should be ours. -> Yes
3-1. Relationship Balance
I have the desire to keep my spouse as the "top priority of my small family." -> Yes
I respect my family of origin, but I can say that my newly formed family is the priority. -> Yes
3-2. Detailed Check on Respecting Family of Origin (Refined for clarity)
When hearing parents' opinions, I have more of a feeling of "I want to consider them" than "I want to ignore them." -> Yes
I am grateful for my parents' existence or acknowledge them as a part of my life. -> Yes
However, I acknowledge that their methods and mine can be different. -> Yes
I think respecting my family of origin does not always mean following their wishes. -> Yes I think "respect" means treating them with human dignity. -> Yes
4. Internal Signals
When I feel uncomfortable, the self-reproach that "I am just being sensitive" comes first. -> Yes
However, at the same time, I have the intuition that "I need boundaries right now." -> Yes
Interpretation of the self-check.
1. Emotional Check
- All items are "Yes"
- The core of the discomfort is not an aversion to the 'person' themselves, but the feeling that 'my space is being disturbed.'
- In other words, this means the essence is a matter of space and boundaries rather than an interpersonal relationship problem.
- Rather than being an individual's problem, this is close to the healthy discomfort anyone naturally experiences when forming a new family.
2. Boundary Awareness
- All "Yes" → You have a firm belief in a couple-centered decision-making structure.
- A clear sense of boundaries is in place, where parents' advice can be referenced, but the final decision-making power must reside with the couple.
- This means you clearly have the awareness that "I am the subject of an independent family."
3. Relationship Balance
- There is a strong desire to keep your spouse as the top priority.
- At the same time, a desire to respect, not exclude, the family of origin is confirmed.
Detailed Respect Check
- You have more of a mind to reference parents' opinions rather than wanting to ignore them.
- You are grateful for your parents' existence and acknowledge them as part of your life.
- You acknowledge that your parents' methods and yours can differ.
- You also possess the perception that respect does not mean "always following them."
- The attitude of understanding respect as treating them with dignity is also clear.
➡️ In summary:
You are in a state of respecting the family of origin emotionally while clearly setting boundaries rationally.
In other words, there is almost no desire to hate or exclude the family of origin; you are actually trying to respect them, but you are experiencing conflict regarding how to balance "respect and boundaries."
4. Internal Signals
- When discomfort arises, you first blame yourself, saying "I am being sensitive."
- At the same time, you possess the intuition that "boundaries are needed."
- This is a manifestation of self-criticism patterns and self-protection instincts operating simultaneously.
- In short, because of past experiences of regret (incidents with mother, friends, father), self-blame pops up automatically like a reflex, but in the actual roots of your mind, a healthy signal that "I must protect my household now" is clearly established.
Comprehensive Interpretation
- Both your mind to respect your family of origin and your consciousness to protect your new family are simultaneously firm.
- The cause of the discomfort is not "lack of respect," but the "natural process of trying to set boundaries."
- It is more accurate to view the current confusion not as "Am I the problem?" but as "I am in the middle of finding a balance between respecting the family of origin and setting boundaries."
✅ Core Conclusion
- You are respecting your family of origin sufficiently.
- The problem is not a lack of respect, but the discomfort that comes from how to deal with the tension between respect and independence.
- Therefore, it is correct to interpret the discomfort you feel right now not as "because I did something wrong," but as a signal that you need to set healthy boundaries.
Finally, to reduce my own confusion, I conclude this piece with the following sentences.
I respect my family of origin sufficiently.
Respect does not mean following, but mutual human dignity and recognition.
The fact that I feel uncomfortable is not because I am sensitive, but a healthy signal that I am trying to protect my household.
My small family (my spouse and me) is the center of my life that I must protect most preciously.
The distance from the family of origin is a matter of balance based on love and respect.
I am not trying to exclude them, but I hope everyone will be comfortable by setting boundaries.
Therefore, I am not the problem, but am going through a natural and healthy process.
I know that it is difficult for me alone to achieve the family boundaries I desire and to form that family.
And, I have also clearly realized that drawing lines is not enough; there must be respect and consideration.
References
- Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. New York: Jason Aronson.
- Choi, J., & Kim, E. (2011). The Effects of Marital Relationship and Family-of-Origin Relationship on Marital Satisfaction. Journal of Korean Family Relations Association, 16(3), 47-70.
- Song, J. (2014). A Study on Korean Familism and Marital Conflict. Journal of Korean Family Studies, 26(2), 1-29.
- Kim, Y. (2019). A Study on Dual-Income Couples' Experience of Interference from In-laws. Journal of Korean Family Relations Association, 24(1), 83-107.
- Young, K. S., & Kleist, D. M. (2010). The influence of family-of-origin relationships on couple functioning. The Family Journal, 18(4), 329–337. https://doi.org/10.1177/1066480710376505
- Ha, S. (2007). The Effects of Married Men and Women's Family-of-Origin Experience on Self-Esteem and Marital Conflict. Journal of Korean Home Management Association, 25(5), 83-96.
- Cho, S. (2008). The Relationship Between Differentiation of Self from Family of Origin and Marital Intimacy. The Korean Journal of Counseling and Psychotherapy, 20(2), 347-366.